The Sullen Chalk
by Vera Amber
Summary: Originally intended to be serious, but that idea flew out the window at 2AM. So, yeah. This is a parody. The flock heads to Spoons, everyone's related, and The Voice is the last person you expected it to be... What? Rated T because of paranoia.
1. Headin' to Forks and the Interwebs

**When I first started writing this fanfic, it was completely serious. But then I got an idea at 2AM... and now it's a parody. This chapter and the next are mostly serious, but the chapters after that... well...**

**Also, this fanfic was originally titled "When Worlds Collide". Whoever correctly guesses why the title "The Sullen Chalk" makes sense gets to pet some meese.**

**Disclaimer: I don't need a disclaimer. I own the planet, yo'.**

**The REAL Disclaimer: Vera owns zilch.**

**_Another _disclaimer: LIAR!**

**Don't mind me...: -eyeroll-**

_Max_, The Voice told me, _you need to go to Forks, Washington._

I audibly sighed. We'd only left Hawaii a week ago. Nudge asked me, "What is it Max?"

"The Voice wants us to go to Forks, Washington. Tell everyone to start packing."

A bunch of hugs and one flying, talking dog staying behind later, we were in the air.

"So where are we headed again, Max?" Angel asked me.

"Forks, Washington. I think it's in the Peninsula."

"Rainiest place in the continental US." Fang commented.

I blinked. "How do you know that?"

He shrugged. "The interwebs."

**Short, I know – sorry about that. However, the next chapter is a LOT longer. Also, expect a random, completely unexplained time lapse.**

**R&R?**


	2. They Arrive! Christmas Cookie?

**This chapter very crappily written – thankfully, this is a parody, so nobody cares, xD.**

**I'm planning on updating every three days, k?**

**Démenti: Je ne posséde pas Maximum Ride ou Twilight. James Patterson et Stephenie Meyer possédons ils. Je regrette mon français mauvais... Je suis en français deux, d'accord?**

Were we flying over some little podunk town in the middle of nowhere.

Suddenly, it started raining. _Welcome to Forks, Max._

We flew around for a while in the rain, and the only house in sight was a very large one, pretty much in the middle of a forest. So we landed in the front yard.

_What do I do now?_ I asked the Voice. _Ring the doorbell_.

I walked up to the door and rang the doorbell. A pretty girl answered the door who looked to be about eighteen answered the door. "Hello? May I help you?" she asked in a musical voice.

"I'm Max. I was told to come here.."

A brief look of confusion passed over her features. "Told to come here? By who? And why?"

"Let's just say a trusted companion. And apparently, to help you."

She shook her head. "I'm sorry, you must the wrong house."

I raised an eyebrow at her. "I don't see how that's possible, considered there isn't another house for about three miles around."

She didn't reply to that.

"You could at least tell me your name."

"Renesmee."

"Okay then, Renesmee, we were sent here. There's always a reason."

From behind Renesmee came a girl who, for some odd, unknown reason, remind me of a pixie.

"Nessie, we need to work on planning the wedding..." she trailed off when she saw me. Then she frowned and looked confused. "Who's this?"

Renesmee just shook her head.

_Trust them, Max.._. the Voice said, trailing off.

"I'm Max. This is my fl- family, Fang, Iggy, Nudge, Gazzy, and Angel. I'm here to help you."

"With what? We don't need any help."

"If you don't need my help, then why was I sent here? I mean, we should at least figure that out."

I smiled icily.

Her frown deepened and her face was blank for a second. Then she smiled. "I guess I should at least let you talk to Carlisle or Edward. I'm Alice. Please come in."

Alice darted away, and Renesmee went to the side to let us in. We walked into the house.

Alice looked at a guy with short, bronze-colored hair.

He nodded. Then he stared right at Angel. They stared at each other for a few minutes, and all of us were silent. Then his gaze darted to me. "So, this Voice, did it say anything about why you were sent here?"

I choked. "_What!?_"

"Edward can read minds, too." Angel explained. I assumed 'Edward' was the guy who had been staring at Angel. A motherly-looking woman with blonde hair asked, "Edward?"

Edward replied, "It seems we have an… _interesting_ situation on our hands."

A girl with long, brown hair who was sitting near Edward was looking at Angel curiously.

Angel nodded. "Yes, I can hear you, Bella. You're just sort of fuzzy-sounding."

They was a stunned silence from them. Bella's eyes were wide.

"Okay, what going on here!?" I said.

Angel turned to me and smiled. "Well, see, they're vampires-"

"WHAT!? "

"-but they won't hurt us. They're what they call vegetarian vampires, which means they survive on animal blood alone."

"Oh... kay...."

Angel turned back around. "Sorry about the headache, Alice."

Then Angel looked back at Bella. "It's probably because I'm more powerful than Edward. I mean, sure, he can hear everyone for miles around, but he's had decades to practice. I've only had six years, but I can control people's minds and put thoughts into their heads."

Bella asked, "So what _are_ you?"

Angel answered, "Well, we're ninety-eight percent human..."

"...and two percent bird." I finished, hesitantly, after Angel looked at me to finish the sentence.

"Bird?"

I looked at Angel, and she nodded, meaning that we could trust them. I snapped my wings out.

They all gasped. "You're like a Christmas cookie!" some voice from above announced.

**Little bit of randomess there at the end, for ya. The Christmas cookie thing is a reference to Rose the Christmas Cookie, who hacked Chrissy223 and Lilyth's Flock.**

**R&R?**


	3. Sam I am Sicily Sam? Epic REELAYSHUNS!

**Sorry about not updating three days ago, when I should've! But I'm updating twice tonight, so I guess that makes up for it.**

**This is the chapter where this fanfic becomes parodic. It starts out kinda serious, though. **

**I completely skipped introductions, and the Cullens' reaction, and everything, mainly because I couldn't think of what to write. So the Cullens know everything, the Flock trusts them (and know everything), and... that's it. Hope you like it. (:**

**Disclaimer: JP and SM rule the WORLD, yo'. And Fangalicous08 owns the Alice/Fang ackshun... not that it's ****_ackshun_, of course. -wink-**

Alice gasped, grabbed her head, and collapsed.

"Alice!?" Jasper asked with a note of fear as he crouched by her side. "Alice!?"

After a few seconds, Alice sat up. She was seemingly out of breath, and told Jasper, "I need ya to help me up."

Jasper, startled, helped Alice to her feet. When she was standing, she looked straight at Fang. She whispered, "Oh, if only I'd known... If only, if only, if only..."

Jasper asked her, "What is it? What happened?"

Alice smiled wistfully. "It turns out that I can see the past of anyone I'm related to."

She turned to Edward. "Remember that time in Sicily? We couldn't figure out what happened, but now we know..."

I asked her, "Wait, what!? Are you saying you're related to Fang? And what happened in Sicily?"

She answered my last question first. "In 1956, we were in Sicily for a while. While I was walking around the city, I locked eyes with someone, and what happened just now happened then. I saw that person's entire past... but I couldn't figure it out. I didn't know them. I never could figure it out - until just now. When I looked Fang in the eye, I saw his entire past... every single moment of it; even the parts _he_ doesn't remember. And from what I saw, I'm definitely related to him."

Fang asked, "How are you related to me?"

"Apparently, I'm your mother."

Everyone was completely stunned. Jasper asked, "How's that possible? You were born in 1901..."

Alice shook her head. "From what I can see of Fang's past, he was born at the asylum, and then taken away from me... and then what became the School took him away and put him in some kind of chamber, which stopped him from aging... I doubt he'd remember it."

Fang said slowly, "So... you're my... mother?"

Alice nodded.

"Then who's my father?"

Alice chewed her lip. "I don't know... I mean, I don't remember it, and I didn't see it in your past..."

I asked her, "So you saw _everything?_ Did you, like, hear his thoughts? Like?"

Alice shuddered. "Thankfully, no. Otherwise, I'd probably end up with some weird attraction to you..."

I cocked a eyebrow and looked at Fang. He denied it, but Alice rolled her eyes and Angel protested.

Alice said, "See? One of the mind readers agrees with me!"

Then we were all silent. Breaking the silence was a knock on the door. Someone said, muffled, "Why am I knocking?"

Said someone opened the door. Standing there was some random, really tall, russet-skinned guy. I recognized him, even though I'd never met him before. Renesmee greeted him with, "Jake!"

He grinned. "Hey Nessie." Then his eyes trailed over us. "Who are they?"

Renesmee walked up to him. "Max, Fang, Iggy, Nudge, Gazzy, and Angel." She pointed to each of us in turn. Angel answered some unheard question. "No, we're not vampires. We're probably nothing you've ever heard of."

Jake was startled. I asked him, "Who are _you?_"

"You're Max, right? I'm Jacob."

I squinted at him, then remembered something. A picture in a photo album, actually. "You don't happen to have an aunt named Valencia Martinez, do you?"

Jacob was startled. Again. "Uh, actually, I do..."

"Well, that means your my cousin."

Bella laughed. We all looked at her. "I just think it's funny that a bunch of us are related to one another. And it'll probably someone _else_ is related to someone else, like I'm related to Angel, or something." she explained. Then she got a strange look on her face. "Actually, I think I _am _related to Angel..."

"_What!?_" I asked her.

"Seven years ago," she explained, "Renee - my mother - had a daughter. But her daughter, who had blonde hair and blue eyes, was taken away. All anyone could figure out was that it had something to do with Itexicon... I didn't remember it until now." She frowned. "Even though it's technically impossible that I forgot..."

Wow. Everyone was related to everyone else. Okay, not really, but still - it was creepy.

Nudge said in, of course, Nudgeian, "Wow that's a lot of information for just two minutes I mean who knew that Alice is Fang's mother and the Jacob is Max's cousin and then Angel is Bella's sister it's just really weird and who thought that we would find a bunch of people that we're related to when the Voice said to head to Forks maybe the Voice knew that we were related to some people here so he/she/it sent us here so we could meet them and I wonder if that's just it or if the Voice had another reason for sending here since it said we were supposed to come here to help the Cullens!"

Iggy said, "Nudge, did you have any nerd ropes today?"

Nudge nodded vigorously. Then she said, "Uh-huh I'm nodding Iggy but you can't see it since you're blind but you can feel color and see when everything's white like really white and you can feel with your hands so I guess you'd be able to tell I was nodding if you weren't blind or if we were somewhere that was white like really white or if you had your hand on my face!"

Iggy facepalmed.

I asked Bella, "So, wait, if Angel's your sister-"

"Half-sister." she interrupted.

"-half-sister, then what about Gazzy?"

Bella pursed he lips. "I don't know..."

Carlisle spoke up. "How do you know that Angel and Gazzy are siblings?"

I answered her. "Because they look alike and Jeb told us... oh, wait, Jeb told us. They're probably not siblings, then..."

Renesmee shook her head. "It's like we're in a soap opera! This is all so weird!"

A voice from behind Jacob said, "And it's just get weirder."

I looked past Jake and squeaked, "SAM!?"

"You know Sam!?" Jake asked, startled.

"Heck yeah!" I said, "We halfdated!"

""Halfdated"?" Bella asked.

"Don't ask." I replied, then said to Sam, "What are you doing HERE?! I thought you lived in Virginia!"

"You're right," Renesmee said, "it just got weirder."

"You can say _that_ again, Nessie." Jake said.

"That again!" Iggy, Gazzy, and Nudge chorused.

"You didn't answer my question, Sam." I told Sam while smacking the three of them on the back of the head.

"Extremely long explanation..." he replied. "What are YOU doing HERE?"

"I-"

That's when Lissa walked in.

I blinked and said, "...I'm highly doubtful that everything that just happened is a coincidence."

Ella, Dr. M, some dude I didn't recognize – let's call him Phil – and some gal I didn't recognize – let's call her Renee – walked in. "You can say that again." they all said in unison.

"THAT AGAIN!" Lissa screeched, then she tackled me.

**The ending is a random bit that I added while editting this... And this chapter's longer! Yayness!**

**R&R?**


	4. Short as heck, the Ls, and Dr Phil lurve

**This is the shortest chapter I have EVER written, unless you count What?... However, it's needed, because it explains why Lissa's there, and it explains something else. Juice so you know, the Leax fight ended with absolutely zero injuries.**

**Disclaimer: JP + SM = NM! (Not Mine.) I DO own the twenty-eight words featured here, though...**

"Why'd you change your name?" Nudge asked her.

"Savage FANGirls. Don't ask."

We all stared at Lissa/Leah. She shrugged.

"Hey, Dad!" Ella called. Phil turned around. "Yeah?"

**R&R?**


	5. Punches and GEVs

**Okay, so really sorry about taking YEARS to update! :( However, it's Christmas, so I'm going to be updating more than once. Hopefully.**

**-shrug-**

**This chapter isn't as parodic, since I wrote it before I came up with the parody idea. **

**Although, considering I don't explain _anything_, like what the heck they're talking about or why Jake and Nessie are arguing, I guess it's _extremely_ parodic...**

**Also, everyone knows that the Cullens are vampires.**

**Disclaimer: I disclaim. Can I go order my "...and then Buffy stakes Edward. The End." T-shirt now? No? Rats. Buffy totalily pwns Edward...**

**BUT DON'T RUIN ANYTHING ABOUT BTVS! I'm only onto the fifth season! The last epii I saw was the one about heart attacks and fainting! You guys know which one I mean...**

"Jacob-" Nessie started, but Jacob interrupted her. "Nessie-"

Then she interrupted him. "_Jacob_-"

He interrupted her again. "_Nessie_-"

Renesmee gave up trying to explain and punched him in the jaw. There was a resounding CRACK. Jacob moved a hand to his jaw and said, without moving his lips, "Ow."

Bella cracked up. The flock looked at her like she was crazy, as did Jacob. "And how is this funny?" Jacob asked.

Through her laughter, Bella said, "Remember when _I _ punched you in the jaw?"

"Yes... you broke your hand and blamed me. Ow."

Nessie said, "Aw, you'll be find in an hour or two."

"You broke my jaw."

"Yes, I did, and it'll heal faster if you don't talk!"

Jake rolled his eyes, but didn't say anything.

I went back to pacing. Then I spun around and glared at Angel and Edward. "Out of my head! Now! I can't think when people are constantly intruding in my thoughts…"

I went back to pacing again. I muttered to myself, "The threat... the threat... has to be genetically enhanced or modified... but why would they be interested in the Cullens? The threat... Alice got a headache thinking about it... but not as bad as with us... what does that mean? Genetically enhanced or modified... _oh_."

I spun around and looked at the two telepaths, along with everyone else. "Well, _duh!_ I think I figured it out."

Renesmee asked, "Feel like sharing with us?"

Edward, hearing what I was thinking, said, "Alice was getting headaches when looking, but not as bad as she had with the flock..."

"Yes, " I said, "which means that either the threat is more human, or..."

"They're a genetically enhanced or modified vampire." Angel finished.

"Yes! And if they were more human, then they wouldn't be as much of a threat..."

Edward finished me this time. "So the threat has to be a genetically enhanced or modified vampire."

I nodded, thrilled I had figured it out.

"But that doesn't make sense." Carlisle disagreed. "Vampires aren't _born_, they're _transformed_. You can't genetically alter one."

Renesmee put in, "Well, then, couldn't it be a genetically modified half-vampire?"

We all looked at her. "That has to be it..." I trailed off.

"Then I wouldn't see them at all!" Alice argued. "But I'm getting a headache when I try to see it!"

Ella spoke up. "What about Omega?"

"What do you mean?" I asked her.

"Well, Omega was human, wasn't he? Just, like, enhanced."

Edward pointed out, "If whatever the threat is was completely human, Alice would be able to see it without a problem."

For the first time, Iggy gave us an idea. "Well, what if they injected vampire DNA into a human, or something like that?"

Carlisle caught on. "Not venom, but DNA... that could be it."

"Then why am I getting a headache when I try to see it?" Alice asked. "If it's just a human with vampire DNA?"

Phil offered, "What if they don't _just_ have vampire DNA in them?"

I nodded and said, "Yeah, what if they have animal DNA in them, also?"

Alice agreed. "It has to be that."

Fang said, "So the threat's a, for lack of a better description, genetically modified vampire?

Nessie said, "I could go on all day about how that term is incorrect, using semantics, but, essentially, yes."

"Lovely." was my response.

"But wait," Esme said, "how could you even GET a vampire's DNA?"

I retorted with, "How does Carlisle know that vampires have 25 chromosomes?"

We all looked at Carlisle.

He shrugged.

Renee blinked and looked up at us. "...what the heck are we talking about?"

We all stared at her, realized that she was right, that this conversation had started from absolutely _nowhere_, and realized that Jake and Nessie had been arguing over... well... nothing.

Just another day in the life of... uh... us.

**Haha, this chapter might be serious, but it's totally random...**

**MERRY CHRISTMAS!**

**R&R?**


	6. Insert random chapter title, uh, here

**Yet another short chapter...**

**Here's your second Christmas chappie! (: If you're nice, you'll get a third one.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Max or Edward – James Pattinson and Buffy Summers own/pwn them, respectively.**

-insert extreme amounts of wedding plans, a lurvely wedding, a raunchy honeymoon, and absolutely zero contact of any form from Itex, uh, here-

**Remember folks, this is a PARODY. So don't kill me. Because I know anyone who spots my little... _thing_ will kill me. Unless they spot it and don't kill me. Then I'm blocking them, because they're totally WHACKED.**

**-cough-**

**R&R?**


	7. Baby making equals tooth fairies? What?

**Juice so you guys know, the Unseeables are back in action.**

**If you get my pun, you get a leak quote.**

**Dsclmr: JP & SM own MR & Twlght rspctvly**

**REAL Disclaimer: Puh-leez. I'm not THAT mean. JP and SM own MR and Twilight, respectively. Teehees.**

Suddenly, Alice squealed and pointed repeatedly at Renesmee. Renesmee blinked at her. "...Alice?"

Through Alice's squeals, I could only make out "baby", but I understood enough from that single word.

I turned to Renesmee, who was staring at Alice with a look of epic confuzzlement on her face. "Do you want Jacob to be ripped to bits?"

Renesmee blinked, and turned to me. "...no?"

"Thought not." I put my cool little shield thingie around the three of us, thus keeping Edward from hearing Alice's overenthusiastic thoughts, and what I thought said thoughts containing.

That sounded confusing. Eh.

I turned to Alice. "So, Alice, are you squeeing about what I think you're squeeing about?"

Alice nodded vigorously and squeed again.

Ela suddenly waked into the room, probably wondering what all the commotion was about, got a random brain impulse about what was happening, and ran over to us, squeeing. I made sure to shield her, too.

It was hours later, after many, many, MANY squees, that Alice finally explained to us what was up.

See, I'd thought that Renesmee has turned into a tooth fairy, because, waaay back in Jake's lineage, there'd been a tooth fairy, and Renesmee "doing it" with Jake had caused her to turn into a tooth fairy. I hadn't wanted Edward to know, since he had an inane fear of tooth fairies...

I was wrong. Eh.

**(A/N: If you're wondering how hearing the word "baby" made Bella think that... well...**

**To Bella, "baby making" means "sex". She never consciously thinks the word "sex", mind you, so... yeah. "Baby" makes her think of Edward's inane fear of tooth fairies. Go figure.)**

Ella had thought that Renesmee had painted her nails bright bubblegum pink, and had decided to show them off to the entire planet.

She was wrong. Eh.

Alice FINALLY explained that Renesmee was, in fact, pregnant.

Whoa. Hadn't seen that coming. Uh...

Edward stomped into the room. "WHAT THE FNICK IS GOING ON HERE!?"

And, just half a second later, a strange, swirling, purpley gold light appeared, and Ella and I became the same person...

**I just realized that this chapter is in Bella's POV, while most of the other chapters are in Max's POV...Wow... confuzzling... and I hadn't even noticed that I'd changed POVs. Huh.**

**Yeah, bit of a cliffhanger for ya, xD. There probably won't be any more random time lapses, since the ones in the past were because I was to lazy to write a bridge, but I might stick some in there, just for the fun of it.**

**As for the ending? Well, see... I've kidnapped Ella. And VerElla is, along with Ella Martinez, guess who? Bella Swan. So, yeah. They're one and the same in the head and on my laptop, so why shouldn't they be in my parody?**

**Just a random thought, really. XD**

**R&R?**


	8. B'Ella Swantinez, at your service!

**Funfunfun...**

**I know I'd said I'd make it longer, but since I started writing this half an hour ago and I REALLY want to update, it's gonna be pretty short. Sorry. :( Hopefully, the next chapter will be longer...**

**And I honestly have no idea if this chapter makes sense or not, Ailat. Teehee. (Hopefully it does, but no promises.)**

**Disclaimer at the bottom, since I don't wanna reveal "plot points". -grin-**

"AH!" B'Ella shouted. "What the freak is up with this!?"

Everyone stared. They couldn't help it. I mean, hey, two people had become one person, and they looked _completely _different, so you couldn't help but stare.

Of course, it didn't stop there.

Just seconds later, Gazzy and Iggy became the same person. Ig'azzy blinked. "Quoink."

Then Akila and Magnolia (who'd magically appeared sometime back) because the same dog – Ma'kila.

Everyone stared. And stared. And stared.

Then Valencia and Esme became the same person – Val'Esme.

"Okay... this is freaky." Max said.

"You can said that again!" B'Ella said.

"THAT AGAIN!" everyone immediately echoed.

Enter a facepalm of epic proportion, uh, here.

Oh, and guess what happened next?

NINJAS STARTED RAINING DOWN FROM THE CEILING!

The day was just getting weirder and weirder...

**Weee! Ninjas! -grin-**

**And B'Ella, of course. You have to love B'Ella.**

**B'Ella: But you-**

**Me: I KNOW! -headdesk-**

**B'Ella: Mwahaha.**

**Max: ...don't ask...**

**Disclaimer: I own B'Ella, Ig'azzy, Ma'killa, Val'Esme, and the term "quoink". Stephenie Meyer and James Patterson own everything else, except for the ninjas. No one owns the ninjas.**

**R&R?**


	9. Goodbye Chicago! Xena, Chad, THE END!

**And, without further ado, here's the next chapter! :D**

**Disclaimer: I own the terms "GEVs" and "quoink", Chicago, B'Ella, Ig'azzy, Ma'kila, Val'Esme**

Of course, the ninjas turned out to be the GEVs – genetically-enhanced-vampires.

Thankfully, though, all but one of the ninjas disappeared.

"My name is Chicago, and I'm here to kill y-"

She was cut off by B'Ella, Ig'azzy, Ma'kila, and Val'Esme tackling her. "QUOINK!" they shouted, before Chicago screamed in pain and turned into a pile of purple dust.

Then B'Ella became Bella and Ella, Ig'azzy became Iggy and Gazzy, Ma'kila became Magnolia and Akila, and Val'Esme became Valencia and Esme.

"So, um, that's it?" Ella asked.  
"I guess so." I, Max, told her.

"Huh. I guess that's why some of us became the same person." Esme commented.

"Yep."

"So... is this the end?" Phil asked.

"I guess so..."

"Damn."

_Oh, hey, Max..._

"Yeah?" I asked my lurvly Voice.

Everyone nodded, knowing that I was talking to the Voice. They were so epic, they didn't need me to tell them that.

_I know you always wondered who I was really was, so..._

"...you're finally gonna tell me who you are!?"

_Um, yeah..._

"AWESOME! So, who are you?"

_Well... I'm Total._

"WHAT!?" I shrieked, turning to the black Scottie.

"Heh..." Total said, before coughing and running off to hide in the backyard.

"Grrr...."

Renesmee walked out of a closet, holding a baby. "Meet Xena, everybody!"

"AWWWW! She's SO cute!" nearly everyone squeed.

And this was the end of TSC, until one day, Xena got a boyfriend named Chad, and it all went downhill from there...

But that, my dear friends, is another story entirely. You'll just have to wait and see, m'dears, and try to convince Vera to either write another chapter or write a sequel...

**Yesh, I'm ending this fic. It's not because I don't have inspiration, actually, it's just because I really don't feel like continuing it...**

_**HOWEVER**_**, if a lot of people want me to, I'll either write more or write a sequel! :D**

**And now, to thank my epic reviewers:**

**Chasing Ideas**

**NinjaGirlWithDagger**

**shapeshiftergirl**

**KiraKia**

**Ailat**

**Malli Ride**

**Caris L. Clearwater**

**The Kidnapper of Lost Souls**

**emotionalpoemgirl**

**Separate Entity**

**Artemis Randall**

**You guys rock my invisible socks! -huggles-**

**One last thing... sorry the chapter's so short!**

**R&R?**


End file.
